As I remember it.

August 21, 2010

As I remember it.

June 14, 2002
They’d spent the day moving her classroom furniture from one room to another. The chance to move out of the portable and into the building was too precious to pass up. She’d been ill, so J had gallantly volunteered to help. The most difficult thing to move, without a doubt, was the piano. She felt very thankful that he’d offered. When her boss had called with the classroom moving date, she’d mentioned it to J casually, in addition to talking about the next camping trip. It came as a total surprise that he’d offered. She had been certain that she would have to ask Dad to help.

They’d finished up late. She was hungry, but figured she’d get something at home. No doubt everyone at there had eaten, but something would be leftover in the refrigerator. At one time she would have suggested that the two of the grab something together, but there had been a subtle shift in their relationship. Where at one time she was certain J was crazy about her, lately there had been some distance, unavailability. It was breaking her heart, but she didn’t know what to do. Resigned, she figured after nine months of quietly going out, he’d lost interest. When J suddenly said, “I’m hungry, let’s go eat somewhere.” She was shocked, but agreed readily.

In the booth at the restaurant, he grew quiet yet again. She couldn’t stand it anymore…. She had held her tongue for so long.
“J. You’ve been so distant. I don’t understand what’s going on. If you are breaking up with me, then please get it over with,” she whispered.
J looked up, agony written on his face. “It’s not that,” he said. “I don’t want to lose you. I think you’re great. I’ve just been feeling odd about our relationship lately.” He paused, then choked out, “I think… I think I’m falling in love with you.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Could this be true? Eyes wide, mouth open with unspoken words. “Then why have you spent so much time lately with my friend Lisa, and with Sydney?”
“It’s easier to spend time with them… they live closer, and my feelings aren’t all caught up,” he stated. “When I’m with you, I’m all confused. I’m excited and scared at the same time,” he answered. He reached across the table to put his hand on hers. She expected warmth, but oddly it was cold. “I’m so glad to be spending this evening with you,” he said.
She nodded slowly, heart flip-flopping at the thought of this man falling in love with her, just like she had been doing with him.

Six weeks later, they’d hardly seen one-another. J was always busy, it seemed. On the phone and in e-mails, he kept saying he felt the same way about her… that he though he was falling in love with her. There was some comfort in that, but she wondered… if this was true, why didn’t he want to see her except when they got together in a group of people?

August 5, 2002
Yet another evening apart, she called him to give him support… he said he’d be working all day and into the night.
The phone rang for what seemed like forever, and then finally he answered. There was a lot of noise in the background… this didn’t seem like his office at all.
“Hi,” she said. “I just called to see how work was going….”
“Hey,” J answered, “I can’t really chat right now.”
Then just as clear as a bell, she heard Lisa’s voice distantly through the phone speaking urgently. “J,” Lisa said, “It’s starting, we need to get our seats.”

A funny sick feeling in her stomach, she asked, “J, why are you with Lisa tonight when you said you had to work?”
“I’ve been seeing Lisa!” he blurted out. “I didn’t want things to end this way between us, but I guess I should tell you I can’t see you anymore.”

The rushing sound inside her head was so loud she couldn’t think, could barely move. “When?”
“A couple of months ago, “ he answered.
“But only six weeks ago you said you thought you were falling in love with me?”
“I guess I thought wrong,” he responded. “Thinking you are falling in love is not really falling in love, is it? Either you are falling in love or you aren’t, either you love someone, or you don’t. I’m sorry, V, my feelings were mixed up because I was in love with Lisa, but you are so nice and I wanted to fall in love with you.”

She simply hung up the phone. She had questions, but they would never be answered, could never be answered.

She would never be the same again.



  1. It’s hard to know whether it was just wussiness and fear keeping him from telling the truth, or a genuine confusion that he couldn’t find his way out of in an honest way. Or both.

  2. Yes… luckily all in the past. It was time to write it down, though. I know we all have relationship stories that have changed us profoundly in some way.

  3. A very well-written, sad story, blondie. Relationships can be thorny things.

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