Archive for the ‘About’ Category

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Front Step

June 12, 2010

Front step.
Waiting, hoping, glowing.
Neighbors walk by
Wave and smile.

Front step.
Sitting, thinking, looking.
Sunset is here
Check my watch.

Front step.
Wondering, checking, tapping.
Porchlight comes on
Cross my arms.

Front step.
Standing, turning, leaving.
Walk in the house
Blink back tears.

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Invisible

May 24, 2010

I enter unseen.
The room buzzes with
Involved conversation.
Invisible.

Stepping to the side.
Catching no one’s eye
As I glance around the room.
Invisible.

Moving softly.
Excusez-moi, I murmur
No acknowledgement.
Invisible.

Gently walking
I nod sociably
To no one in particular.
Invisible.

Sound bites of conversation
Flashes of color and glamour
Was I really there?
Invisible.

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to all my friends

April 25, 2010

Often my only friend,
companion,
listener,
lover,
comforter.
My running.

Moving your legs
rhythmically
propelling yourself
forward.
Steady and
Reliable.

Not just from here to there.
But from
in my head,
to setting
me
free.

Heartache eases,
stress sweats away,
problems get solved,
under the guise
of health and
exercise.

Much more than words
could explain.
Wellspring of creativity,
thought, balance,
freedom.
My running.

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Truth.Time.Love.Memories.

April 24, 2010

A shattered heart.
The Truth is
Not.
that Time heals.
Moment after Moment.

Time.
simply Is.
a concept as abstract as the concept of
Love.
Moment after Moment.

Other injuries of the past,
Memories.
are covered.
The wounds scar over.
Moment after Moment.

Each hurt replaced with a new
Experience.
gentle, bitter, sensual, angry.
Truth. Time. Love. Memories.
Moment after Moment.

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Where I’ve been…

April 21, 2010

I know. It’s been a while. Maybe you thought I had fallen off the face of the Earth?

No, but sometimes it feels like I have. You see, there’s a reason for my lack of creativity, my lack of communication, my general lack of…. Me. You see, I’m tired.

Yes. You heard me correctly. I’m tired.

In a nutshell, I am

fatigued; weary; drowsy; drooping; haggard; toilworn, wayworn, weatherbeaten; faint; done up, used up; bushed [U.S.]; exhausted, prostrate, spent; overtired, overspent, overfatigued; unrefreshed, unrestored., worn, worn out; battered, shattered, pulled down, altered., breathless, windless; short of breath, out of breath, short of wind; blown, puffing and blowing; short-breathed; anhelose; broken winded, short- winded; ready to drop, all in, more dead than alive, dog-weary, walked off one’s legs, tired to death, on one’s last legs, played out, hors de combat., fatiguing; tiresome, irksome, wearisome; weary, trying.

You get the picture.

It seems like everything is suffering. My housekeeping, my art, my writing, my social activities, my running (oh especially my running!) —But perhaps not my job. What little energy I have left over I put into work. After all… that’s what brings food to the table, right?

I’ve already been through thyroid hell, so I figured it couldn’t be that again. After all, I am on a ridiculously high dosage of synthetic thyroid hormone. I have received tons of advice and suggestions from family and friends (thank you!) about how to combat this problem. Diet, exercise, mindset, yoga, meditation, deep breathing, herbal remedies, sleeping pills. You name it, I’ve been trying it. Quite frankly, although my sleeping patterns are dubious, I can’t blame the exhaustion totally on lack of sleep. I got an awful lot of sleep last weekend…a great deal more than usual, in fact. I’m still exhausted. I am actually wondering if I’m going to move from this chair this evening. If Princess and Oliver had opposable thumbs, I probably wouldn’t! (I’m getting thirsty, I doubt they can carry some water to me!)

So, here I sit, my head heavy, my limbs unmoving, much as I have been for a couple of weeks now. I’m very dismayed by how I feel. If it was simply mental or emotional exhaustion, I could come up with select list of possible reasons for it. However, the fatigue includes physical exhaustion. For those of you doubters, please know that I have been keeping track of my mileage and pace for quite a while, and though I’ve tried to increase mileage each week, I haven’t been very successful. I cannot blame my running.

So here’s the deal. I finally gave in and called my doctor’s office. I queried if the doctor had ever written down a date for another follow-up to my thyroid issue. The nurse’s response was a resounding yes, and that I was due for a follow-up NOW. I told her what was happening, and so I am scheduled for another blood test, with a visit to the doctor a few days after that.

So. The poetry and art that has been covered with weariness inside my head may yet have a chance to come to the surface, depending on whether my doctor can help me. Meanwhile, I’m just going to shut my eyes a little and let my mind wander. Maybe I’ll come across a few poems that have been hiding in me since the middle of February.

I’m hopeful.

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Inside. Outside. Deep Within.

April 6, 2010

Brittle.
Fragile.

Outside:
All through the day.
Quick smile.
Bright eyes.
Easy laughter.

Inside:
Look carefully.
Actions belie the emptiness.
Appearance belies lost hope.

Brittle.
Fragile.

Outside:
Handling each task.
Successfully.
Easily.
Quickly.

Inside:
Watch carefully.
Actions are automatic.
Success belies lost interest.

Brittle.
Fragile.

Deep within:
Reaching for the glue, deep within myself.
That which will heal me, repair me.
Make me whole again.

Within myself.

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A note to the previous post

April 6, 2010

Dear Everyone,

It has been pointed out to me that a list such as the one I posted previously is common among those who have successfully completed AA or some other such program. I have a great deal of respect for anyone fighting alcoholism. It is a terrible disease that can tear apart lives. AA is a great program to bring people back to life.

However, this is not the purpose of my list. Although I may not be the healthiest person alive, I am lucky enough not to suffer from alcoholism.

My list has to do with something entirely different. For those of you who did not know me 10 years ago, I will briefly provide an overview of the situation.

I was married in 1992. From 1992 to 1999, due to a few key reasons, I lost interest in everything and everyone around me. It was an incredibly unhappy time for me, however, I became emotionally numb and did what I needed to do automatically in order for my daughter to be provided for.

In 1999, a series of unfortunate things happened. Between these, and the loving and insistent concern of my family and friends, I became aware of what was happening to me. With their support, I began the struggle back to reclaim my life and myself.

2000 marks the year I moved back closer to my family, and the year of my separation/divorce.

If you would like to know any more details, please contact me directly.

Love always,
v.